So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
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I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.