So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
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*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
sry
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.