Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in

I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.

Level of high: 7/10

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.

He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.

dude it’s called proctologist

“What seems to be the problem, officer?”

me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes I see that now

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.