Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

Noah was an idiot.

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.

Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.