Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd

friend: want to go swimming?

me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug

Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

*pronounces UPS like yoops

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002