Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

Lmao

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry

My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!

Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

I think this should do it.

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.