Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

True

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!

Australia: no need to, we’re good

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.