So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
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He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Cannot stop laughing at this