So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
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Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
True
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I like crazy people until they notice me
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?