So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
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People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.