So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
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“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Golf would be better with landmines.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.