@TheTweetOfGod

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

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@blondecalamity

A) I don’t care who is stalking my twitter
B) I don’t care who is saying terrible things about me
C) I don’t care – OH! Free iPad??? *click*

@Reverend_Scott

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

@TheToddWilliams

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

@isabelzawtun

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

@Extramediumcom1

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

@WheelTod

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

@BoogTweets

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”