So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

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A) I don’t care who is stalking my twitter
B) I don’t care who is saying terrible things about me
C) I don’t care – OH! Free iPad??? *click*


He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*


Cop: First name please…
Cop: Last name…
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice


“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)


Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.


Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief


Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”