A) I don’t care who is stalking my twitter
B) I don’t care who is saying terrible things about me
C) I don’t care – OH! Free iPad??? *click*
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
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the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Cop: First name please…
Cop: Last name…
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
Cop: Nice, nice
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?