So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
You Might Also Like
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.