So many mistakes to make, so little time
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Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.