So many mistakes to make, so little time
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“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
What’s a Messi?
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine’s Day, I’d secretly drop fake engagement rings into random drinks—just to sit back and watch the chaos unfold. Bon appétit!
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
why on earth do you guys have a state named washington and a city named washington and they’re on opposite sides of the map. this whole time i thought the white house was in washington state
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)