So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
You Might Also Like
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
This checks out
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds