So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
You Might Also Like
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
😭😭😭😭
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
just got my engagement photos
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.