So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
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Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder