So many pants.
So little yoga.
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[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Ooops wrong house😂😜
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??