So many pants.
So little yoga.
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Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.