Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
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my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die