Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

…u ok Nintendo?

smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that

I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’

You’re never alone. Theres mold

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

ㅤ

As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

i baked you a cake

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.