So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
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What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Yup….perfect score!
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…