So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
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People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes