Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything

Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

the zen of frog

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

I hate when that happens.

Who’s drunk

*raises leg

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

[heaven]

Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.

Batman’s parents: Same.

LOL

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

[driving]

Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you