So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
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Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Do not levitate over flowers
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck