So many people to disappoint, so little time
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Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
The French cow says MEUX…
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.