So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
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AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Dear people that say new year new me, I don’t like either one of you
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE