Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation

reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

your daddy is a what now?

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.

If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma