so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
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I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..