Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?

I don’t hate children, just yours.

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.

Mornin

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA

Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.