Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

*Directing cats*

Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?

Stunt cat: you’re telling me!

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm