So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
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We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it