Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

Passed by a old school Math example today.

Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.

Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?

Me: It’s wrong.

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.