So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
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My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
he looks great for his age
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Before & after 😅
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”