So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
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[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Trumpy Cat
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
That lamp looks PISSED.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
kitchen magnet
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”