So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
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Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir