Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pronounces fake like saké*

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.

Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*

When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.