So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
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Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
necessity is the mother of invention
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.