So many village idiots. So few dragons.
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My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good