Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.

Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

This bar smells like my childhood.

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?

Me: Yes, socks

Toddler: No!!

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.

“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”

-the first hipster

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work