So many village idiots. So few dragons.
You Might Also Like
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what