So many village idiots. So few dragons.
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Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
barbara was highly relatable
The Sun’s probably Asian.