Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.

mandolin: finally a violin for men

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

see you in hell you stupid fruit

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.