So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
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Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Real 😅
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.