So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
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Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe