So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
You Might Also Like
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
April 1st is the class clown of days.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn