Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?

Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

Jogging has never helped my memory.

ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature

CEO: That’s a great idea

ME: Call it ClinkedIn

CEO: Get out!

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

Me: Can I leave work early?

Boss: Only if you make up the time

Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!

The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*

My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.