Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.

Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist

me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.