Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

*puts on new Fitbit*

*steps on scales*

Welp, this is bullshit!

Had an epiphany today.

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?

—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”