Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?

[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream

wife: what did he say?

me: he kept laughing at me

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

1st marriage: Love, naivety.

2nd marriage: Health insurance.

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.

Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.