so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
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grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.