Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

My diet starts in January

of 2027

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: weird but ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello soda

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

Why?

How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight

Related – I never babysit

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

God: you’re a cuttlefish.

Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.

God: that’s not what I meant.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.

Cuttlefish: for hugs?

God: [sigh] no not for hugs.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: also you’re venomous.

Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.