Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?

When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”