so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
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“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
No. YOU-buprofen.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
From my Mom
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email