Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

Did you get that psychic damage I sent you

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy