So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
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Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?