So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
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Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.