Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

We’ve all been there

*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

😂

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.