So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
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Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Sharon, call the vet
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes