So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
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ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Breaking news:
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again