Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

Me: What did you do today while I was at work?

Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.

Me: I think you’re lying.

Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?

Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…

God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”

A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

#WhenIMisspelled ya know.

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.