So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
You Might Also Like
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
🤣dope
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.