Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He-man has a Masters degree

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”

Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?

*the sky turns red and warm*

Joseph Smith, 1833

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

it’s not been my year

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.

I’m giving up for Lent.

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.