Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now

Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.

I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

They should make a moral fiber supplement

[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man

Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]

Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”

welp

The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing