So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
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They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
The three genders
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*