@Mardigroan

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

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@squirrel74wkgn

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

@0000seapea808

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

@drknstormynite

DOCTOR: take two of these & call me in the morning

BREWERY: take six of these & call your neighbor a shithead

@TheBigBatman

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

@TheBoydP

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

@iinkedZombie

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

@markedly

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

@VerifiedDrunk

Twitter handles are what would happen if the DMV let everyone put whatever they wanted on their license plates.

@MissHavisham

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things