So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
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[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
That 👊
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
my mom making me talk to relatives
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
john wicks are toilet candles
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄