@Mardigroan

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

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@mrtruthandsoul

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

@ArrowsOfTheSun

Yeah the sun is hot, but have you ever stopped to think about its personality?

@ThaJawn

Hipster: Check out my mini..
Me: *snatches and eats
Hipster:.. Bonsai tree
Me: *swallows* It’s alright for a veggie
Hipster:
Me: anymore?

@causticbob

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced Β£149.99.

@Beatonm5

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

@Sassafrantz

Sorry I unfriended you after seeing your Facebook “Year In Review” but it was bad enough the first time.

@UnderTheJewFro

I was starving earlier so I opened up a beanbag chair. There were no beans, only styrofoam. Im furious, Im hungry and I have nowhere to sit.

@PrisonCookies

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

@Tash_Stanton

Friends at conferences – please do not assume that the people that you talk to do not know anything. I just got told that I should read what Stanton et al found about pain.

I. Am. Stanton.