So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

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“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”


Yeah the sun is hot, but have you ever stopped to think about its personality?


Hipster: Check out my mini..
Me: *snatches and eats
Hipster:.. Bonsai tree
Me: *swallows* It’s alright for a veggie
Me: anymore?


I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced Β£149.99.


skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up


Sorry I unfriended you after seeing your Facebook “Year In Review” but it was bad enough the first time.


I was starving earlier so I opened up a beanbag chair. There were no beans, only styrofoam. Im furious, Im hungry and I have nowhere to sit.


I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs


Friends at conferences – please do not assume that the people that you talk to do not know anything. I just got told that I should read what Stanton et al found about pain.

I. Am. Stanton.