Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

This tweet lives in my head rent free.

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’

who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped

12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”