so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
You Might Also Like
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
So inspired right now.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.