so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
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we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive