So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
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Me: how are you
Friday: good
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
oh my god
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh