So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
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I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
bad news gang
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.