So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
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hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
happy valentine’s day to me
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”